Body Autonomy and Your Toddler

Recently, I was at the grocery store with my 2 year old and 3 month old. My toddler was enjoying her cookie from the Publix deli and the baby was sleeping in the Ergo carrier strapped to me. An elderly gentlemen approached us and commented on how sweet the girls are. He then reached out to rub my infant’s face (insert all the mommy rage) and attempted to rub my toddler’s arm. She recoiled and told him, “No, thank you.” I shared a photo of us after the incident on my personal social media accounts. A conversation was sparked about the importance of and logistics of teaching body autonomy to kids. But, how do we teach that to our kids?

Teaching Body Autonomy

The end goal is to raise young adults who have a healthy understanding of consent and body autonomy. Don’t make the assumption that the discussion of these topics should be lumped in with one conversation on sex education. These conversations do best when they are ongoing from a very young age and are age appropriate at each stage. “Don’t talk to strangers” should be sufficient for a toddler, right? Think again. The idea of “stranger danger” is really off base. First, not all strangers are bad. Kids need to know it’s OK, good even, to be friendly. Goodness knows the world can use some smiles. More importantly, 93% of kids who are a victim of sexual assault KNOW their abuser. How then do you teach consent and healthy touch to a toddler?

1. No means no.

Teach your toddler that you will respect their no’s (when appropriate). For example, when tickling your little one and they say stop, even if they are still laughing, you stop. Chances are they will catch their breath and ask you to do it again, but teach them that if they ask you to stop, you will.

2. It’s their/your choice.

My 2 year old is a hugger. Sometimes her friends may not want a hug, and that’s their choice. We tell her, “They said no hug please, and that’s OK because it’s their choice.” This does not always have to encompass physical touch. Find opportunities to listen to your child’s no. If they want to hop like a bunny to the car rather than walk say, “Yes, you can hop because it’s your choice.”

3. Do we have to give hugs? No.

When Great Aunt Sally comes after your kids for hugs and kisses, or the random man in the grocery store tries to rub their arm, again teach your child that they can say no. A phrase we repeat often to our oldest is, “Do you have to give hugs and kisses? No. Do you have to say hello and thank you? Yes.” We want her to learn to be polite without forcing her to show affection when she doesn’t want to, an easy start to teaching body autonomy. While you’re at it, you can teach the adults a lesson in body autonomy as well. You can say to your child just loud enough for the adult to hear, “Remember if you say ‘no, thank you’ or ‘stop, please’ then Great Aunt Sally will listen and will not give you any hugs.”

4. Use correct terms for body parts

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, vagina, vulva, penis…or something like that. Using silly, made-up names for a child’s body can instill a sense of shame as children grow. Using appropriate terms can help you be more comfortable having these conversations about body autonomy. Talking about penises and vaginas can feel normal, because they ARE normal. Also if a child is ever a victim of sexual abuse, knowing the correct terms will make them better equipped to report the abuse.

5. Let your child dress themselves

Let your child decide what they put on their bodies, or at least give them choices. Sure, they will probably create some laughable combinations, but it is such a simple way to instill a sense of body autonomy and remind them that what someone looks like isn’t what’s important.

6. Be honest

Kids are notorious for not having much of a filter, and that’s awesome! When your little one starts asking questions about their body, or yours, answer honestly. If you start by being honest with the little questions, you will be much more comfortable talking about the bigger things. Your kids will also trust that they can come to you without judgement and know you will give them real answers.